In Which I Actually Have Something to Rant About

Hey guys,

Again, sorry I left you for long, my computer crashed as a result of something wrong with Firefox so I had to delete it- thus deleting ALL my bookmarks- and had to start from scratch. I forgot to put the Blogger thing back on my quick links bar but now I've remembered it and I'm good to go.

So today I actually have something to talk about. I was approached by the 14 year old girl in my archery class today and she said "I have a question for you. I need an expert's help, 'cause I'm only 14."

"Okay, shoot."

"So there's this guy..."

"Oh."

I've never actually had a boyfriend. I've had a semi-stalker for the last 6 years, but nothing like a boyfriend. I told her this and she just looks at me slack-jawed, wide-eyed and says "Why? You're so pretty!"

Flattered as I was by her compliment, I honestly didn't have an answer for her. Which has lead me to thinking for the last few hours: what the hell is wrong with me? I have no problem picking up friends, but why can't I find someone who could be more than that?

I've had my fair share of run-ins with what most teenagers would define as "love" but what I would describe as problems waiting to happen.

There's the "stalker" I mentioned above, whom I really should give more credit, he's one of my best friends and up until I was 14 I loved him back until I realized that he filled the role of my gay best friend... who wasn't actually gay. Which has made for a confusing dynamic in the friend circle.

Then there was this one guy at archery who I liked for a few months. He turned out to be a self-righteous idiot who stole other peoples' ideas- including mine- and tried to pass them off as his own to make himself sound big and important and intellectual. He was an ass and I could kick myself for ever thinking otherwise.

Another guy from my archery class was a twin. He was the twin that had all of the medical problems due to the pregnancy. He was lovely at heart and I really liked him. He turned out to be a racist and a homophobe. I don't care for either of those traits, so I moved away from him.

Then there was this guy last year. I'd liked him since I saw him in 10th grade and last year I finally solidified our friendship and told him that I liked him. He ended up dating- and is now f*cking- a mutual friend of ours. And he never told me, I found out on Facebook. I still hurt from that one.

Lastly there was a guy when I was 14. He's one of my best friend's cousins. He was 16. We met on MSN and began and ended our friendship there. To this day we have not met. He seemed so nice, we would talk for hours about everything. Then, it came up that he had a girlfriend. And he was having a thing with a 12 year old at his local A&W. And he was doing what he was doing with me with my best friend. He began saying very inappropriate things. They escalated from asking for cybersex to saying that I would "look good pregnant". He was suicidal and I was afraid to leave him because I was afraid that he might kill himself and the blood would be on my hands. I did a very mature thing that day, for a 14 year old. I actually told him what I thought and how I was feeling and I actually managed to reach a point with him where I could leave and he wouldn't make me feel guilty about it.

I suppose what I'm trying to get at here is that I'm wondering what is so wrong about wanting someone normal? I don't want someone who's full of himself, or racist, or crazy or clingy. Why do I have to sit by and watch all of my friends get together and be happy while I sit here and spend all of my happiness on them? I want to be happy for once too.

On the plus side: I've met a guy in my Russian class. We've been talking non-stop since we first said hello, and we actually got together after his exam today and talked for 3 hours. It's so easy to talk to him... he seems really nice and I'm hoping that this leads somewhere. There may be hope for me yet.

I hope that you are all doing well. I'm sorry if this post seemed like a pointless rant, I'll post something interesting soon.

Yours,
~Alexandra